20/12/2024
Dear Diary,
A lot of people will be having end of year knock off drinks now, the last Friday before Xmas.
I'll go for a swim and have a beer at the bay afterwards.
I did the last shift for the year with C this week.
We went once more to the mall.
No natural light.
3 hours exchanging one item of clothing- taking everything off the rack so that C could see it properly. Then we bought some xmas decos.
I gave C a gift and was a little sad not to receive one from them, for the times I put their earrings in, for the times I didn't say going to the mall isn't great for anyone's health - for the times I worked 8 hours straight, getting the room ready for their overseas guest.
When I was a kid I would chase through the streets because I could hear the ice cream van warbling.. sometimes I'd find it, stand on tip toes and get an ice cream with a flake pushed into the cone. Other times I'd turn back despondent as the sound of the ice cream van receded before I could find it.
That's what it felt like driving home after the last shift with C.
I've wondered sometimes over the last few weeks if I should have taken out a bullying complaint - made it formal the way I felt when I had to leave the job.. sat there in that office, just me and my manager. Their face impassive as they advised me that some people didn't like me, that I was seen as a negative member of staff and the clincher that made me get my things and get the train straight home - that my sense of humour wasn't appreciated.
It cut deep - I felt like the chime of the ice cream van was so far away that I may never savour that feeling of standing on tip toe asking for a Mr. Whippy with a flake in it.. ever again.
When I drove home from C's I put on a classical music channel, I do that sometimes - because it makes me feel like it's a soundtrack and I'm in a movie..
We only know the person in front of us or behind us on the motorway when we collide. It is then that we get out of our cars, point angrily at each other, inspect the dints of damage, exchange details and let the insurance companies deal with the rest.
I like driving at 40kms per hour - not on the motorway of course, but along suburban streets. I like to watch crows tug on takeaway wrappers and craw at their greasy finds..
I like to imagine all the lovely things in op shops, all the people walking along who are lonely, not as lonely as those sitting in cafes in malls, but out the house, for something to do. I like strip shopping on high streets, where people know your name, nod and bring you your coffee, shops that let the weather in, damp feet from the rain, or grumbles of hot and bothered families seeking solace from the sun.
The working year is ended now.
My income over the last few weeks is half what it was in the 'awful job.'
I've cleaned houses in the past, picked up glasses in bars, cooked in cafes, done some things just to tied me over, till the next thing comes along.
Because it will.. like the chime of the ice cream van.. it will come.
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